One Whole Year.....

Wow.

I literally can't believe the events of the last year. I can't believe the joy, the emotion, the frustration, the worrying, the love, the growth, the "I'm never going to make it"-ness that has defined me and our family over the last 12 months. I think I waited until now to write my little year-in-review for a couple of reasons. First, I now know there is such a thing as coming out on the other side....and second, the view is much clearer looking back.:)

Since this is my blog, I will feel free to just write as I choose without too much consideration for the opinions or needs of the reader (hi, mom:)). I only give that as a warning that the following may or may not flow in any particular direction....so just grab your paddle and your life jacket and jump in. Or not. Whatever. Here we go.

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Adoption.

International Adoption.

Unexpected International Adoption.

Unexpected International Special Needs Adoption.

Oh, yeah. When we met our little Natalie - we knew that she was our daughter. We loved her. We wanted the very best for her. I often thank God for those feelings we had - because without them, we (meaning me) may not have made it through the first few months of her being home. I just never, ever knew how intense parenting could truly be until we were faced with parenting a child who had only grown up in an institutional setting, who had never had her hearing, who happened to be incredibly intelligent without means of communicating her brilliance, and who....imagine this....is a very physically strong, and strong-willed, little person. We were knee deep before it even really sank in that she had no idea what it meant to have a mommy or a daddy, that her world had been SERIOUSLY rocked - and although she seemed to be a very well adjusted child, she was in fact working through some serious trauma. Now that I know her better, and know how bright and observant she is - her little brain had to have been seriously in upheaval the first several months as she adjusted, not only to a new country, home, and family - but to becoming a HEARING person! Holy cow, batman. It's a miracle she wasn't any crazier.....(p.s. thank you, Lord!).

When Natalie first came home (and I share this because later on when I share where she is today - it just makes the comparison that much more impressive), she knew three signs. She had no intelligible vowel or consonant sounds. She hit, spit, pushed, kicked, wrestled....and that was just during EVERY DIAPER CHANGE in the first three months. She was constantly moving - she would not let me be alone....to pay bills, to pee, to cook (sorry for the order on that one), to talk on the phone. You get the picture. She was jealous of the kids and would hit them if I gave them attention and she was around to see it. She would not sit still (I have never longed for a child to just watch cartoons so badly in my life!). There was no sitting when she was awake. To this day, she wakes up at full steam ahead....none of this ease into the day thing for her! At least now it's been channeled into hugs and kisses, playing on the iPhone while mommy and daddy wake up a little bit, and visiting her brother and sister. She didn't nap the first three weeks - and after that, the only way I could get her to fall asleep was to put her in the car and drive her around....and then the ability to transfer her into the house didn't come for quite a while. That car seat SAVED me during those first months....I don't know how many miles I put on my car - but the Armada was my sanctuary. When I just couldn't take another minute of chasing, we would hop in the car and drive about town. She has always loved the car and still likes to drive around. Some of the milestones came at around 6 weeks when she signed, "I love you, Mommy", at 2 months, when she got her new hearing aids (when she started hearing just like a newborn baby would), at 4 months when she started school (can you say, "fast-track"?), at 6 months when we finally felt like we were not running around like crazed lunatics, and on and on until the present day when she can/will/is (and you better believe it, here comes a VERY long, VERY impressive, VERY humble (!) list of accomplishments).....

Say actual WORDS....hello (my personal favorite), mama, dada, bye-bye, more, ball, up, help, stop, no, happy...not bad for a 10 month old, eh?:)

Play by herself for more than 5 minutes (woohoo!)

Draw some pretty amazing pictures...her favorite to draw right now is a whale - she's loving the sea life

Recognize the names of all her family and most of her friends, and makes the sign for their names whenever she sees them in writing

Writes several letters, and recognizes the alphabet

Takes a nap EVERY DAY (woohoo! part 2)

Signs like a maniac! Really, it wasn't too long before she had some pretty sweet sign sentences going - and now she loves to sign the song, "I am a Child of God" every night before bed....absolutely adorable in every way. I lost count of the number of signs she has in her vocabulary, just trust me - she's amazing

Loves to play with friends and take care of small people:). Ok, so we're working on being a little more consistent with the "soft" thing, but she's getting better! She just doesn't understand that a three year old with the strength of an eighth grade boy must be reined in...

She sleeps all night long....still. Always has. She sleeps like the deaf. Bwahahahahaha...I'm so funny!

She can get dressed all by herself (and undressed, oy)

She's POTTY TRAINED!!! Woot, woot!

She loves dogs (which she used to be terrified of)

She pedals a bike

She's grown (drumroll please!) 4 INCHES!!!! We've got the marks on the garage wall to prove it!

She's gained (drumroll please!) 2 POUNDS!!!! Not impressed? Well, I grant you, that's not much for almost an entire year - girlfriend has stretched OUT!! Her little body went from roly poly adorableness to lean mean three year old machine. I've asked for her secret - she's not givin' it up.

This list could get seriously long (wait, it's not already?) and still it wouldn't do justice to the brilliance that is our little Nattie. Must be time to return to paragraph form.

And, continue...I know I shared in the beginning of the post some of the struggles - and I did it for a couple of reasons. First, because I'm becoming a person who strangely enjoys keepin' it real, and second, because now that we have walked through some difficult moments and lived, I hope that someday, someone out there in a similar situation will find this little account and take heart. I've read a few hundred blogs and chats in the last several months that gave me hope that the hard work would eventually pay off (and gee, only 15 more years to go! Lol). But beyond the struggles, and more important to me, are the blessings and the JOY I (and my family) have experienced since our dear, sweet, vivacious Natalie has come home.

There is no way to really adequately express my feelings, but I will do my best. When God was creating His children - each a true masterpiece - He saved a little something special for Natalie. I am truly in awe of her. She is so, so happy. She just radiates this...I don't even know...is it love? Is it joy? It's something pretty amazing, that much I know. Everywhere we go, people watch her. I've seen it, and not just in the moments when she is loudly expressing her opinions about life ;). For example, in the airport on the way home from our trip this summer, I was about 10 feet behind her (common, very common) and I literally saw the heads of everyone we passed, as well as those sitting waiting for their flights, turn to look at her as she bounced down the walkway. And they smiled. Not just mommies and grandmas who appreciate a cute little blondie with hairbows - but businessmen, teenage boys...everyone! She'd wave at a few, continue bouncing, smile or shout here or there - but mostly just had her head forward, arms swinging, walking through like she owned the place. I've seen people from all walks of life respond to her in a way that maybe they wouldn't otherwise do. She has a light about her that opens people up and lets them show their best selves. She is a blessing to all who know her - and I am so humbled and privileged to be her mother.

I've shared with a couple of friends that I have a hard time thinking of Natalie as three years old. Yes, she behaves like a little kid. Yes, she makes messes, tries my patience (and tries again), begs for candy, hits her brother, the normal stuff. But she has an intelligence within her that goes beyond her years. She teaches me everyday about the importance of using the gifts the Lord has given you to bless others. About taking your weaknesses and making them strengths. About loving so much it hurts. Having her in our family has brought out the beauty and strengths of our sweet Katie, and the protective and loyal nature of our precious Carter.

She has helped me see even more clearly the joy that comes from being a mother, and the true happiness that comes from being a family. Through the last year, I've been given the blessing of looking at life through the lens of Natalie, and what I see more clearly than ever is that life is about each other! It's about helping each other, playing together, praying together, learning together....it's about love.

If I could, I would personally thank so very, very many people for the support, patience, time, energy, and understanding they have given me over the last year. Time restraints what they are, I hope I can use this forum to express to my husband (the best husband in the whole wide world), my mommy and daddy, my children, my siblings, my good friends.....thank you. Your prayers have been felt, your love has been evident - my heart is full of gratitude for the support you have shown. I literally could not have had the courage to grow like I needed to without you. I'm still growing, so don't stop praying yet!

And lastly, but always first, I thank my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. How many times have I been on my knees, or in my car, or out running through the neighborhood begging for strength, looking for answers, asking forgiveness....only they know. I thank the Lord for showing me where I am weak, but for also showing me where I am strong. For answering my prayers, and for prompting others to be a part of those answers. My faith, and not just faith - but knowledge, of the mercy and kindness of my Heavenly Father has expanded, and I am so, so very grateful to my Savior for leading me through the hard days and giving me peace.

Well, that's about it. In a nutshell, the Lord has blessed me. Blessed us. Motherhood is a divine gift....and I happen to have been given three of the most beautiful, amazing children. To Natalie - someday you will read this...maybe it will be a day when I've taken away your cell phone and you are threatening to go back to Russia, or maybe it will be next week when you surprise me with your reading skills - whenever it is, there are couple of things that you should know. You are special. I love you, no matter what. And, Nattie, you are MY baby. Forever. Happy Adoption Day. Let's Celebrate!!!